You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
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Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
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That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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