Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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