The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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