She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
