thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
