I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
