Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
