Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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