I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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