A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
