i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
