I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
