my phone needs a breathalizer
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.