he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
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I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated