I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
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Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
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Just pee around me
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.