why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
