apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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