he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
