You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
