You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
