she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
