i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
