I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
