I just threw up on my dentist
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
