I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
