I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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