She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
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I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
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We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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