I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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