Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
