Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
