On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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