I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
