did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
accomplished twins. life is a go
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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