Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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