Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
