who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
