I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
