I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
