allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
