What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
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He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.