I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here