I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
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Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
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I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode