my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law