I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
