If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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