please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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