I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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