I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
