Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
