Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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