I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
