1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
