shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
