I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
