Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
