Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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