you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I don't deserve a penis
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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