she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
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i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
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WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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