Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
