I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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