There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
