I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
